Assume that you only have the resources and money that you’ve acquired up to this point in your life, and you still have to pay rent, bills etc. You are basically physically capable of everyday activities but extreme feats (eg running marathons, climbing everest) are not realistic.

  • EssentialNPC@lemmy.worldEnglish
    251·
    9 months ago

    Ooh, I actually know the answer to this! I had cancer a couple years ago, and it got really dicey for a bit. While my story has a good ending and I am now effectively cancer-free, I had to look the potential of death clear in the face and start making some concrete plans.

    My answer is unequivocal - I would prepare my family for my untimely demise. My wife and I got together when we were young enough that we entered adulthood together and grew that way. There is no me and her - there is only us. This is not some creepy codependency thing. We just became adults whose emotional and mental shapes are highly complimentary. That happens when you are with someone longer than you were not. We also have kids for whom I am the primary caretaker and stay-at-home dad while she works. Both boys are autistic though you might not notice it, and I am their primary coregulator. My family needs me in ways that are not universally true across families.

    Most of my plan can be summarized as follows:

    • Prepare my wife for life without me. Ensure she has the basic skills that I have taken over in our lives. Impress upon her the notion that while she has been the love of my life, I sincerely hope I am but one of hers.
    • Spend as much time with my kids as possible. Cement myself in their memories. Record messages and fatherly advice in writing and/or video for every major life event I can think of.
    • Set up therapy and support services for my family once I die.
    • Get my friends and family on board for specific forms of help as time goes on. People who want to help do nothing when they do not know what to do. They are more likely to follow through when told, “I know Jimmy really looks up to you. After I die, please take him out for some bonding time at least once a month. He is going to be lost without me, and Wife cannot be a masculine role model like I was.”
    • Plan my funeral and write my obituary. Make it clear that any of this can be changed.
    • Basically, do anything I can to prepare my family for life without me.

    I know this is not terribly exciting, but it found that what I feared far more than death was the fate of my family without me there to care for them.

    • other_cat@lemmy.worldEnglish
      8·
      9 months ago

      This is extremely heartfelt, wonderful advice. I’m glad your story has a happy ending. But I can’t imagine a better way to prepare your family. I am going to save this somewhere, for in case I ever need it, because this is exactly the sort of thing I would want to do.

      I also totally get what you mean about your wife and you growing into adulthood together. I have the same thing with my husband. If he were gone, I literally am not sure what I would do in many small parts of my life. I’d adapt eventually, but knowing I’d be struggling with grief in addition to suddenly need to consider a dozen crucial but small things is dizzying to think about.

    • Adler180@lemmy.world
      4·
      9 months ago

      Holy shit, that sounds like you spend a lot of time thinking about that. First of all your relationship sounds like a dream. Hope it holds forever. I definitely got a lot of inspiration from your post, even tho I’m not looking the reaper in the eyes. Lots of good points how to plan our passing for the remaining people. Death can always happen to anyone unexpectedly. Always good being prepared. And I guess those are some good steps. Spending time with your loved ones is obviously important even if you are not the person facing death but if it is an elderly person.